A Very Happy Birthday To Jonathan Mitchell

It is a great honor that I must wish a happy 57th birthday to my good friend Jonathan Mitchell. This is a man who has been persecuted by normal people for being autistic, and by autistic people for wanting a cure. Jonathan really deserves better in his life, so it's a shame that he's autistic. He will, however, always have a friend in me. Now let me make this clear: I'm not autistic anymore. Ever since I lost my virginity over a year ago, I have officially become a normal person. This means that I could fully persecute and oppress Jonathan if I wanted to, but I choose not to because unlike any member of neurodiversity I actually care about autistic people and want to see them cured. I mean let's face it: I have a better life than Jonathan does. He is 57 years old, has never had a real girlfriend, and is currently unemployed. I am 20 years old, not a virgin, and am currently enrolled in college. However, I choose to donate my time and be a friend to Jonathan, because he needs one and he needs a cure for his autism. All members of neurodiversity are hideous people because they want autistic people to suffer. Having been autistic myself, I realize that it is a bad disease and needs a cure. It seems as if Jonathan Mitchell is the only other man who sees the truth, and for that I truly commend him. So here you go, Jonathan. Happy 57th birthday. We should celebrate at Winchell's next week.